Cycle 8

For some reason, I'm ok with this one. It sucks because we had great timing this month and everything looked good until yesterday. But then again, it usually does. I am somewhat hoping my NP wants to be a little proactive about things. I know she has no issues with getting DH in for a SA, so I am assuming we will start there and see what we find. Beyond that though, I am curious as to where this will go next.

Come the 9th, I guess I will know!

Bombs away!

Ok, yesterday's temp drop was nothing. today I am over a degree below coverline. Score. That's always good news at 13 dpo, right? ::sigh:: I had a couple instances of spotting but all other signs of AF have pretty much vanished. WTF? And don't get me started on Fertility Frenemy and their stupid points that somehow managed to go up today.

And to top off this fantabulousness- my car is in the shitter. It runs, but it will spend all day Friday in the shop. Score. After it spent 3 hours there today and they don't know what's wrong with it. They know what's not wrong with it (ie- everything they've already tried replacing that didn't fix it), but that info only gets you so far.

Thank God for warranties and this happening less than 7,000 miles before the cutoff.

Ugh

I hate cramps. I hate even more when they are the kind that give you hope. Bastards.

My temp took a nosedive this morning. I almost cried (almost). But I also slept like hell last night (not bad enough to be sleep deprived, but still pretty bad). My pillow was also wet, so I was drooling which means my mouth was open. Either that or I am grasping at straws. It's probably the latter. I would love to have a definite answer. Soon enough I will. Soon enough.

::waves white flag::

I give up. Will that make me stop crying? I have no freaking clue what is the matter with me, but I hate being like this. Just make it stop.

Maybe I need to quit testing early. (Quit laughing). It doesn't seem like that is the issue, but maybe it is. Right now I have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to happen. I'm to the point where I don't want to test because I am sick of seeing a negative every.single.time. OPKs are no problem as I eventually get a positive out of those eventually. But hpt's are a completely different story. I know it's only been seven months, but at this point I am ready to just say screw it and move on.

It could also be that due to the laws in our state, adoption is out of the question. There is no possible way we can come up with the minimum of $11,000 needed. That, and I have a huge black mark that will show on my background check and that would likely eliminate us from contention even if we could somehow found the money.

Feeling like this absolutely blows.

Oh snap

I have a blog. Whoops. I sorta forgot.

In reality, everything that has been going on lately has either been sorting itself out or I just don't want to go off into a tirade about it.

So instead I will bitch about how much I hate this impending holiday.

Simple tasks such as going to get milk or some batteries are now hour long trips. People in the stores are clearly walking around like my lovely picture. I almost got killed by a salt truck in the parking lot of our grocery store, so clearly even the employees are out to make my life hell.

And then there's the family crap. Oh, the wonderment of it all. I hate having to make something in 20 minutes after I have worked all day. Always turns out well. My siblings decided amongst themselves what they were going to bring, then asked what I was bringing. Um, you guys took everything. There's nothing left.

And to top it off the weather is craptacular. The roads were a sheet of ice this morning. Lovely.

I hate December.

Ow

So I had another abcess. This one sucked even worse though. It wouldn't open up with heat and moisture, so I made another trip to the urgent care clinic. Last time the doctor just gave me antibiotics and told me to keep heat and moisture on it. I was expecting the same.

So I went back and the doctor came in and started poking at it. Mother fucker- it hurt for my hair to skim across it. It took everything I had not to punch him. So he tells me that he can't find where it is trying to break open, so he is going to make an incision so it can drain. Fuck me running. It hurts even worse after some jackass just spent almost 5 minutes squeezing it, and now you want to cut it open. Awesome.

So I lie down and they wipe it clean. Here it comes and we have a cut- I about broke the little leg support thingy they pull out. Next step- mother fucker starts squeezing it. What the hell? Dude, I will put a warm wash cloth on it and let it drain on it's own. Apparently that never crossed his mind as he spent another 5 minutes squeezing the infection out. Awesome. They took a culture and will make sure that the antibiotic he prescribed would work with whatever was causing the infection.

They get done and put a band aid on it. Thanks assholes. That sticky crap on my sore face is just what I needed. I can feel it throbbing under the stupid thing too. And it does this the entire time we are waiting at Walgreen's for my pills to get filled. Le sigh. The heat and moisture was helping a little bit, so hopefully it will continue to go down.

Cycle 7

For some reason, the start of this cycle just plain hurts (and I'm not talking about the cramps). I just want to curl up in a ball an cry. Maybe it's the emotional toll of the last six cycles, or that DH's niece got pregnant unintentionally, or that he has pretty much given up and is about ready to stop trying since he is feeling like he is getting too old to have kids at all. I don't know, but this one sucks ass.

I swear I'm normal.

But my chart turns me into a freaky, obsessive psycho. I over analyze every little thing. And those fuckers that thought it would be fun to add the points- I could beat them severely. A couple days ago when my temp dropped a bit, I tried to push implantation dip out of my head. Today's temp didn't help with this one bit. Not at all. Now I know I am just going to get my hopes up and that is going to drive me bananas.

I suppose it is a good thing I don't have an issue with testing early. Two days I will be 8 dpo and will start testing. Maybe. It's finally getting to the point where it is getting hard to see those negatives all the time. I guess 6 months of trying will do that to you.

Maggie the Genius

So we are getting the footings dug for our garage. For those of you who haven't had any experience with this, this requires a three foot deep trench dug around the perimeter of the floor. The only way back to the back yard goes right by this area, and the dogs normally swing a little wide and run through the mud (stop laughing- wait for me to get to the funny part).
So J and I decide it would be best if we led them back to the gate (normally we open the door and let them run back there on their won). J takes Maggie (our wonderful Rottie). She is not a fan of being led anywhere by her collar, so she slips out of it, tries to side step DH...and tumbles into the 3' deep trench. The look of complete confusion on her face was priceless (I would have gotten a picture, but I was laughing too damn hard). The guys working out there all stopped because they were laughing too.

J finally jumped down in the hole with her to help get her out while I pulled from up top (a struggling, scared 95 lbs dog is a ball of fun). She did very well coming back in.

Maybe it was the caution tape that is up now.

::head desk::

So I found out this morning that DH's niece is pregnant. Nice. Not that she is 16 or anything like that, far from it. 24, married longer than we have been, just bought a house. But not wanting a baby. She's not happy about it- I am hoping it's just from shock because if she says one bitchy word about being pregnant arond me (not how she's feeling or anything, just about the fact that she is), I will have a difficult time not throat punching her (she does know we are TTC).

On a plus side though, my step dad's surgery went well today and he should be heading home tomorrow. I think the pregnancy was just really bad timing for me to find out and actually be happy for her. Maybe in a couple days.

Laughter

It really does help. Even if it's forced to begin with.

Now as long as tomorrow goes well, it will be even easier to laugh- without forcing it.

I hate today.

November 6 is a crappy day and I am glad it won't be here for another year. I thought the shitty weather was going to be the craptasical part of my day. Wrong.

I always put my phone on vibrate at work. I don't think I will ever do that again. My mom started calling me at 7 this morning. J finally got a hold of me at about 10:45. And he wonderfully got to give me the news that my stepdad had a heart attack the night before and was in the hospital in Omaha.

Well fuck me running. I carpool and wasn't driving- that left me with no way to get there. J managed to get off work, but it was 12:30 before he got there. Was a crappy hour and 45 minutes. I got nothing done (unless you count not crying as accomplishing something, which then I did get that done for the most part).

Step dad didn't look horrible (considering). It was a pretty major attack apparently. They cleared a bunch of the blockage and got one stint in when he came into the ER, but he wasn't stable enough to do the other two he will need. He actually coded when they got him to the room because his heart didn't know what to do with that much blood supply. He is getting two more tomorrow and then may go home on Saturday, but it will depend on how tomorrow goes.

I fucking hate today.

Dear ovaries

Would one of you please release your captive? I realize it's only CD19, but I am seriously impatient and hate when things get delayed.

Your swift compliance with my request would be appreciated.

Funny

Maybe even ironic that that I decided to change the title of my blog to what it is. Last time it was brought on my delayed O when J returned home.

This month work has been ridiculous the last week- and look what seems to be happening again?

Hahaha- funny shit. I'm going to go cry in a beer.

My dearest J

I know you want kids. I realize you are almost 38. But it is hard to have kids when we don't have sex. It is hard to do that when you are out running around doing things, and then the nights you are home, you are in bed, completely passed out, 10 minutes after we eat. Quit trying to blame it on me not ever being in the mood. It's hard to be in the mood when the only time I see you is when we are eating and then you go to bed.

Why this lead to a fight last night, I have no idea. Yes, I was being pissy and passive aggressive about B staying over again. With no warning. AGAIN. I can't imagine B's wife is very happy about it either. When you called me 1 hour before you got home, you knew he was coming to stay. You fucking could have told me then. So yes, I was mad. And I am not comfortable having sex with you while he is sleeping on our couch. Not happening. You have a tendency to over share with your friends as it is, I don't need them there for a live performance.

Rifle season starts November 15. Thank God. Maybe then you might actually acknowledge that I am here and have valid points.

Going green

Words I never thought I would say. Bad as it is to admit it, I am absolutely horrible about this. Yeah, I toss my excess sheets of paper in the recycling box at work, but that is about it. At home, I have never been one to recycle as there was nowhere convenient to take things and no trash service in my community picks them up. It's their fault really.

When J and I went shopping for baby shower presents, he about passed out when he saw how much diapers are. "How the hell are we going to afford that? Why don't people just use cloth diapers like my mom did? Then you just have to wash them. But they don't have those anymore."

Zoom to me holding up a package of cloth diapers "You mean these?"

"Where the hell did you find those?"

"Under the sign the says Cloth Diapers dipshit." (It was quite clearly marked and there was no way to miss it)

J glares at me. "Shut up. So we could just do those? That would be cheaper."

"Well, then we will probably want some covers, a wet bag for when we are away from home, do we want to buy them or look into a service, do we want prefolds..."

""Holy fuck- where the hell does this come from?"

I about bust a gut laughing. "And you thought all that time I spent on the Nest was useless."

So that is still something we are kicking around. Clearly we have plenty of time, but he seemed a little happier that there was an alternative to disposables, though not for an environmental purpose.

Then there's gas. J loves to ride his motorcycle, and thankfully it gets decent gas mileage. He works 3 miles from home, so it's not a huge deal- for him. I, on the other hand, work 45 miles from home. Big deal. J was iffy on me taking the job for this reason, but I wasn't going to accept a dead end job for half the pay just to save some gas money. So I decided to check into some ride sharing opportunities. And as fate would have it- there is a lady who lives 9 blocks from me, has to drive past my house to get to work, and has to go past my work to get to hers. We work the same hours. Sweet. The environmental freak in our office wanted to hug me when I told her that I found someone to share rides with.

I am going to kick his ass.

Mother fucker has blown over the equilavent of our house payment on hunting crap this week. Not even counting gas or food while he is out doing this. Just on random equipment he thinks he needs. Now I have to kill him. He has spent over $1500 on crap that is supposed to be saving us money. He has shot the equilavent of about $125 worth of meat. That cost $75 to process and $40 for the tag. Way to save us $10 asshole. It only cost you $1500 to do so.

We are supposed to be putting up a garage. We are supposed to be saving money to put towards the honeymoon we never got. Between this and him screaming at me over nothing the other night, it is more likely that money going to get put toward a divorce lawyer at this point. At this point we are flat fucking broke beyond the savings for the garage- which I had to dip into to make his motorcycle payment, his student loan payment, and I am going to have to take some to cover some of the other bills I paid for him.I don't even have the money to buy gas to get to work this week. The dogs need food- I don't even have enough left in my account for that.

God I want to hurt him right now.

And we are

back in the game! I never thought I would miss TTC as much as I did. Maybe it's because I still really wanted to be, but had to make that choice. I don't regret it, but at the same time I feel like we could have tried a little harder those two months. Though we didn't have horrendous timing, but whatever.

I am not upset that I am not going to the meet. I love that I did well enough to earn the honor of going, but J and I can put that money to a little better use. I think it will work out better in the long run.

So as of last night- hello cycle 6. Woo hoo.

Office Space

Just reminds me of how lame my job is. And yet I still find it ridiculously hilarious.

"Corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice $305,326.13 Michael!"
"They probably won't know it's gone for another 3 or 4 days."

How true. In the case of my company it would probably be another 3 or 4 weeks though.

"I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something. Shit- I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail."

Story of my life. Ever since grade school. Mundane details are my mortal enemy.

And don't get me started on the truths of Dilbert cartoons. Especially the accounting ones. We really are heartless trolls who get pleasure from torturing people and not reimbursing them what they are owed. It gets me hot, I must admit.

Hunting Widow

This is what I will be for the next week. J took the entire week off so he could hunt. Which means he gets up at 3 and gets home at 9. Lovely. Oh well, he would essenetially be a football windower if he were home anyway.

Which actually could be a good thing. Right now at 11 dpo, I can feel the usual signs of an impending period. Biggest ones- I am moody as hell and my knee and ankle hurt like crap. The moodieness has definietly affected my posting today, but at least I recognize it and have stopped myself from posting the first thing that comes to mind. The second sign- I know it sounds weird (and could potentially be due to the rain we are supposed to get), but it is one of those random weird things I have noticed many of my cycles. It's weird as crap, but it is fairly consistent. And it's always my right leg too. Weird.

What a week.

Sunday- was sick all freaking day. Running a slight fever, overall feeling of crappiness. And DH gone all day at drill. Hooray.

Monday- feeling of hideousness continues. Actually left work early and didn't get crap from my boss for it either.

Tuesday- Struggled through work even though I still felt like crap. Had a craptacular meeting where my boss was seriously ticked off about something. If I knew what, I would tell you. But apparently it was all of our faults.

Wednesday- Fuck this noise. I stayed home from work.

Thursday- Feeling slightly better, made it through work (wanted to leave for other reasons though). Almost froze playing volleyball- last night of outdoor league. Thank god. Indoor is going to fuck me up though- if I break a shoulder taking a dive I would have walked away from in sand, don't be surprised.

Friday- Felt better. Finally. I really hope it isn't the fact that I had beer the night before that made me feel better and that I felt crappy all week because I didn't have any, because that is a really, really bad sign.
Bathe my itchy dogs- find a colony of fleas (which had been my suspicion). Wonderful. Scrub them, bought an undercoat brush, which is the best $15 I have ever, ever spent. Powdered down the carpets, sucked up the little bastards. Sprayed every cloth surface in the house. Brushed Buster after he dried- and was still getting buttloads of fleas. Shit. J brings his friend home from hunting and proceeds to tell me that he is spending the night. Thanks jerkwad. I just talked to you 20 minutes go- you couldn't have told me this so I could have at least cleaned up the house a little more?

Saturday- J is off hunting. I am on a mission to rid this house of fleas. We are going to get our asses beat by Texas Tech this afternoon.
On a positive note, I think I finally got most of the pee smell out of the carpet from Maggie's pissing episodes.
Oh, and 10 dpo test- BFN.

2 years

I have been married to this sorry bastard. Wow. At least he is on the same side of the world for this one!

And wouldn't you know it, but what did I get today- EWCM and +OPK. Nice. Looks like we are going to suck again at TTA.

Already?

So we are officially celebrating our anniversary today (I guess). How has it been two years already? Can we just count this as our first since he was gone for most of the first year of our marriage? Ok then.

Two more weeks. Then I will know where we stand on the TTC front. Maybe I need to get really stressed and delay my O until after then so we don't miss a cycle. Or not. I have been craptastical about charting lately- I could potentially be close, but who knows since I have temped once in the last week. Whoops. I blame the UTI, which has mysteriously disappeared- and that scares the crap out of me for some reason. I think the bacteria are all getting together to make a massive attack elsewhere. Joy.

Decisions, Decisions

So J is home. He had an awesome day hunting yesterday- got a small deer in the morning so we will have butt loads of ground deer in a week. Now he is waiting for a good size buck with some decent antlers (and more meat of course!).

We discussed TTC. Not sure what we are going to do this month. We are "officially" taking a break. Though neither of us is a big fan of it (I think our lack of avoidance last month made us not really care). He is indifferent and has left the ball completely in my court. Thanks a lot honey. Leave it all on me. I am tempted to just because that will put me at around cycle 10 when I have my annual appointment and provided I am not pregnant, we will be close enough to a year that we might just start any kind of testing early. Or not. Who knows.

W00T!!!

Started spotting tonight! Yay! We didn't totally suck at avoiding. Tomorrow it should be a full blown period. Woo hoo! Last time I was this happy to get my period was when I was 19 and the freaking condom broke (and I had no clue about evap lines and was scared shitless for a few days).

On top of that, J should be heading home tomorrow! Hopefully it will be a quick trip and he will be home in a day or so!

And my "illness" seems to have subsided, as is my ridiculous level of fatigue. Stupid PMS anyway.

This has all the markings of being an excellent week!

And now

I am getting sick. Wonderful. I have a nasty cough starting, and even when I am getting a full night's sleep, I wake up feeling like crap and all achy (and it's not a post-workout ache).

Only 2 more days until J heads home from Louisiana. Hopefully it will hold off until then!

Dear body

I hate you. With a passion.

Reason#1- You just had to go and O right when J was headed out...meaning we actually had good timing this month when we were TTA. I was stressed, couldn't you have pulled another one of those delayed O's this month?

Reason#2- I have been so freaking good with my diet. Eating good foods, watching calorie intake, drinking plenty of water. On top of that, I have been getting more sleep and have been working out much more. And you have the audacity to gain 5 lbs? Fuck you.

Speaking of rain

So J and I are sitting here, enjoying our supper and I randomly mention something about New Orleans getting hit by a hurricane again. We finish eating and J goes back to his sewing, and the phone rings. It's his buddy G. Who happens to be his platoon sergeant (you know it can't end well with that in there).

Hurricane Duty. 1-2 months. Leaving at 0800 tomorrow. Fuck me running.

So now I am stuck with tore up yard, meet prep alone, and 100 other things- all because of this. I realize it's his job, and that this is what the National Guard is actually for, but it sucks nonetheless. At least for Iraq we had almost 9 months notice. We got 13 hours for this one.

Yay fun.

More Randomness

Volleyball
League- we kicked ass and won the championship match easily.
Tournament- thank God it was free because we sucked major balls

Work
So my craptastic meeting wasn't as bad as I was thinking. After much debate with J and with myself, I am going to stay put. I have been bouncing between jobs and it's not going to look well on a resume. Maybe in 5 years if I want to switch back to the University, if the department I worked in isn't looking for someone, as least I have a couple of very good references that will help tremendously with getting my foot in the door. For right now though, there is a far better future prospect where I am at.

TTC
Wickedly good timing this month. Had a dip yesterday accompanied by some spotting. Of course I did. I am really hoping that pregnancy would be one reason why they would let me back out of the meet (if needed). I still disagree with Fertility Fuckface and think my O date is a couple days later, but either way things are still good. Unfortunately I have a long LP and am going to try to wait until at least 12 dpo before testing- and that's 12 dpo from the date I think I O'ed, not the FF O date. (You can stop laughing hysterically now)

Meet Training
Beating myself for taking 4 months off. I could barely walk the other day from doing squats. Though missing that much time and coming back to a 275 lb set for a triple- yeah, I will take it.

Torn

I was so wickedly excited that I made the alternates list for World's. Considering I have only been doing this for 5 years, I find that to be pretty damn good. With everything that happened this past year with my former coach and with J being deployed (especially during that time), I was damn proud of myself for making it this for.

So I get the e mail the day- the DAY I freaking ovulate. And we had very good timing this month. Shit- that was a difficult decision to make to accept that invite. What if I get a BFP this month? That would make me about 14 weeks at the meet. I certainly can't be squatting 400+ lbs. to prep for this thing while pregnant.

So now I am in limbo. This is going to be a sucky 2ww, as I want both a BFP and a BFN.

The next choice comes in what to do in the event of a BFN. I can't stand the thought of not temping as I want to at least know when to expect my period. But no OPK's, screw cervical mucous, and we will have sex whenever. Then again part of me hates to lose those two cycles.

Grrr.

Randomness

Volleyball
Yay! We won last night! The team we played was the team we lost to in the championship match last session. Next week we are in the championship game again! Go Your Mom!

Work
Thank God end of month is over with. I still have a couple random things to finish up, but nothing like Thursday was. I about ran myself stupid that day. I totally think my hour off today was warranted. Hopefully when I have my 6 month review in the next couple weeks, all will be hunky dory.

J
Much better. I no longer have the urge to punch him. We talked through the stupidness and have had a couple very good days. Sucks that he has to have drill this weekend, or we could have done something fun. Maybe next weekend.

Garage
Nothing. Still just a hole in our yard. And it blows.

Weather
Hot and humid as fuck. (Makes for crappy sand volleyball playing)

Lifting
After a 4 month hiatus, I started hitting the gym with a vengeance. And now I am hurting with a vengeance. Benching kicked my ass- could only do 115 for 3. Squatting rocked thought- 275 for 3. They were a little high, but after that long a break to come back like that- awesome.

TTC
Note to ovaries- I only have 6 OPK's left. Please don't make me buy more this cycle. My vag is keeping up its end- you keep up yours.
The line is about half as dark as the control, which I know technically means nothing. However, I have already had my round of faint line then no line back to a slowly darkening line, which is typical for me.

Hooray!

Down 9 lbs! Woo hoo!

Fucking wonderful J.

So I went to take my shower. Apparently J was going to as well because all of the sudden there he is in the shower with me. Didn't ask, didn't even mention that he was going to take a shower tonight, just showed up. All I wanted was a nice relaxing shower- alone. But fine, whatever. He's in there about 5 seconds- and he farts. Jerkwad. He's bombed me about 5 times today- it's not fukcing funny. It's old and I am beyond sick of it- which is what I have told him the prior 4 times. He then proceeds to be confused as to why I am upset. Dipshit.

So he finishes and goes to brush his teeth, and what does he do again. Yep, you guessed it. He starts babbling about something (I wasn't listening at all), then asks me why I'm not responding. I said because I am trying to not cut myself shaving. I then all but got called a moron for having ever cut my leg shaving because king of shaving there has never cut his face. Well, excuse me oh god of razors for not being perfect.

So he finally leaves and I finish. Open shower curtain- no towel. I had brought in a towel for me and this motherfukcer took it and didn't bring me one. Needless to say I went to bed pretty pissed off. And someone starts snoring. I have to wake him to make it stop, to which he gets pissed off about.

So guess which one of us is sleeping on the couch. Yeah, the one who actually has to get up in the morning and go to work. Fukcing _asshole.

Lame

My life is boring.

That is all.

Too much crap!

What a shitty day at work today. Not only is the lady I am covering for still out (she is supposed to be back Wednesday, but even then I will still have to help since she broke her collarbone and it will be hard for her to do things with one hand). It was ok last week when I didn't have a whole lot of my own stuff to do, but this week I have a crap load of my own stuff. I fought this the computer for almost 3 hours trying to get one job to bill correctly. Not a good sign. Then I am making collection calls as well and that is just frustrating.

So I decided to take a few minute break and I checked my cell phone. I knew my mom would be calling as they were leaving for vacation. In her wonderful message, she tells me that the quarter of beef J and I are getting is almost ready. It will be 225 lbs and cost $500. WTF? It was $350 last time. I was so not ready for that. I almost started bawling (I hate stress). Then I am digging through some of my invoices, and what do I come across- one from my mom's company (where I also used to work). It felt so weird being on the receiving end of that invoice I designed was just weird and after the whole beef thing, that almost pushed me over the edge too.

Stress blows.

One week.

So today marks one week that I have been tobacco free. I haven't gone without tobacco for a week (other than when sick) since...wow sometime in 1999. Stupid chew and its addictiveness. For those wondering- a back story on how I got started with that: My boyfriend from high school got me started with smoking a little. Then when I went to college and he started freaking out, I decided to use cigarettes (and alcohol) as a coping mechanism. I started seeing someone else, and he too smoked. Well, then it got cold, and since there was no smoking in our dorms, that meant I had to go outside. Fuck that. So one night I was drunk in my boyfriend's room while he was at work and I was looking for cigarettes. Instead I found chew. I decided to give that a try (dumb decision). It was a habit that stuck. I ditched the cigarettes and became a chewer.

9 years later, here I am. I knew I was going to have to stop when I get pregnant, and I really did intent to stop while J was deployed. But there was too much crap- between finding out my coach is a perv, people dying, and just the overall stress of the deployment, it just didn't happen. (Is it bad that as I type this I keep looking at J's can of chew?) It feels somewhat good, but is still weird. I know it is for the best, but damn, it is a hard habit to break. It might be a little easier if J didn't chew too. The fact that it is still in the house doesn't help, but I have made it so far! Even last night in my somewhat drunken state I didn't have any (and that is usually my weak point).

Holy Long Weekend

Wow- that was the most unrelaxing vacation ever! But funner than crap!

Got in Wednesday night. Only one aunt and uncle there and one cousin and his kids (well, and my aunt and uncle that own the place we go to). Fairly slow night- cousin's kids were in bed already, so it was just the rest of us hanging out, sharing a few drinks, then heading to bed.

Thursday- various other family members arrived throughout the day Didn't do a whole heck of a lot. Went down to the creek side cabin and got in (why is it that every year I forget exactly how cold 55 degree water feels?) until I was freaking numb. Stayed up as more family arrived, then headed out for the night as the next two days would prove long!

Come Friday afternoon, we had over 40 people (all stuffed into 7 cabins too- good thing we all get along!). Good thing J and I are totally into having a kid, because otherwise there was plenty of birth control running around that day! Went down into the valley by the creek to watch the rich bastards blow up a bunch of money (and how!). We then headed back to to the cabins for a little drinky drinky time. We all had a few then stumbled off to bed.

Saturday was a new day (and it could be told that the kids were still a bit worn out). Another days of freezing cold water wading. Then for what ever reason we decided to go for a tubing run. Right as we went to get in, it clouded over and we were praying to be to our pickup point before it rolled in. We did (barely- there was a tornado touchdown about an hour west of us from the cell- lovely). Following supper, the girls decided we were going to the bar (one of the two in this ginormous town- LOL). We headed in (and then were invaded by the guys an hour or so later- lame asses). Blew some money on keno, had some drinks, then headed back to the cabins. Those still there were having the traditional guitar sing along, so joined in on that for a while. Then as I was going to bed (I swear I was!). As I headed into my cabin, I was unceremoniously kidnapped by one of my cousins. After hanging with him and his girlfriend, they got my nephew (also kidnapped) back to our cabins at 4 AM (and J wasn't pissed- I was shocked).

Sunday was a day of good byes as most people left then, and then today we sadly returned home. Though it sounds as if we have a couple more trips to the creek planned this year. Yay!

Vacation

Yay! Vacations rock!

Sleeping with the moron

Yeah, so apaprently J turned out to be the moron in all this. The time was split between two pay periods because he didn't pay attention. All is well now.

Morons, morons everywhere

So J had everything set up perfectly. He knew when his last deployment check was coming in, and it worked out perfectly with his work date wise for him to get a check 2 weeks later. Perfect, it will be like we never missed a beat. When they were doing their demobilization crap, he got his 80 hours of military leave put in. Works perfect since he won't have AT this year. Could not have been better.

So today I am sitting down to pay bills and was going to pull up his check and mine and re-distribute who is paying what (electric, gas, etc). I mention this to J. His response- "Oh, that. So I looked at my LES and someone screwed up and they only paid me for 40 hours." What? So you knew this and didn't 1)tell me (I do all the bill paying) and 2)raise hell to get it pushed onto your next check. Lovely. Thank God we were ahead on money due to the deployment. This could have been a big issue if we weren't.

Should I be surprised? No. These are the same people that screwed up his zip code and overpaid our BAH by a substantial amount (which they haven't straightened out yet- I am frightened for that to happen). Also the same people who, when DH got divorced in March could not figure out how to change his withholding from M-2 to S-1 until November of that year.

I hate morons. They piss me off.

Tra-la-la-la

Headaches are gone. Feel awesome. :)

Holy headache

I know I had a few beers last night, but damn.
I know I am still a little dehydrated from being sick, but damn.

This is torture. I am probably going to have to turn the lights out. And go buy some Pedialyte (this is the one time of year I don't have that crap in the house. Stupid powerlifting "off season"). At least changing the filter in the A/C made a huge difference and I can keep it cooler in the house- that is helping some.

Der

I should have known what was making me sick. I finally figured it out today (now that I am better- my brain must not have been working). Early last week when I felt crappy it was PMS. Totally and completely. Thursday morning was as well. Thursday afternoon until last night was an allergic reaction. I am a fucking moron for not realizing it sooner.

Today at work we had a presentation and had lunch catered in. I saw that there were sandwiches and immediately got worried/pissed. Many places automatically slather them in mayo, which I am allergic to. For whatever reason, it finally dawned on me why I was sick for 5 days. For lunch last Thursday I had a Turkey Bacon Ranch wrap. What is ranch typically made with? Mayo.

I am a moron. That's what I get for trying something new!

Cramps blow.

NFT!!!!!!!!!

One or the other damn it!

I have felt like my period was going to start since I left home this morning (as I realized I was half way to work that I had no pads with me). I am slightly crampy and "feel" like my period is starting (you know what I am talking about). Knee slightly hurts, slight lower back pain, and overall crampy/bloated feeling in my lower abdomen.

On the plus side, I could actually eat today. Well, somewhat. I was doing great until I went to get lunch- I could just smell the grease from the drive thru and gagged. Needless to say, I did not have fries or onion rings, I had to settle for a side salad (and the stupid dressing made me about gag too).

A positive pregnancy test or my period- just give me one and get it over with!

Today sucks too.

Too tired to be a bitch today. Though I did finally manage to eat something other than crackers and Sprite. I did gag on my grilled cheeses though (which is sad because I super pink puffy heart grilled cheese). I actually took a nap while DH went to the driving range. I would have loved to have gone with, but there is no way I could have. Unfortunately, I very much recognized the cramps I started getting right before I went to sleep.

I give it 24 hours before my period starts.

And now my knee is hurting (a sign that my period is imminent). And my lower back is killing me (again with my period being only hours away).

Holy raging bitch

Hola mood swings! Where have you been hiding?

Good lord- they were bad today. I was happy, then ready to cry, laughing, then ready to punch a bitch. My computer pissed me off because it wouldn't let me pay bills (not that I really wanted to, but it needed to be done). It almost went through the wall.

Probably not helping that I feel like absolute balls today. Was doing good until I finished my coffee- then I felt like I was going puke all day. Had a lovely lunch of saltines and a lunchable (which was almost impossible to swallow- the meat and cheese we making me gag) and a 7up. Didn't help a whole lot. Finished off the sleeve of crackers on the way home. Still felt like hell. Had soup for supper, drinking water, just all around being a good girl and I still feel like crap. I am freezing, but my skin feels like it is on fire (to be fair on that one- I did get a bit much sun on Saturday, so that may explain that part).

I hate feeling shitty.

New obsession

So boredom and curiosity have taken over. I made a pregnancy ticker. I am lame (but I also like to be prepared. Apparently I would be 5 weeks today (stupid screwy long cycle). Yippee skippy. I really need to find something to occupy my time.

I am lame.

8 dpo. I suck.

In case you couldn't figure out it was negative!

Someone talk me out of it.

Tomorrow is 7 dpo. My mega-pack of HPT's arrived today.

I just know I am going to break a cardinal rule tomorrow morning. At least I expect it to be negative.

Crap, I'm going to be one of "those" girls, aren't I?

I am about ready to smack myself.

I am 3 dpo and I am damn close to labeling myself as nuts. Ordered some bulk pregnancy tests today- fine, not that big an issue. I am a testing freak as it is, so this was not much of a shock that I went ahead and did this. That is one thing. Contemplating ordering a onesie so that I have it on hand for when I need it (as something to give to DH in the event he is not home when I get a BFP)- to me that is crossing the line. I am really, really hoping I can keep myself from going over the edge with any of this stuff. I have an addictive personality, so that doesn't bode well for my chances of staying sane through all this.

Oh the joy of it all.

Finally

Crosshairs! Yay! The dog has avoided a beating...lol. Seriously though, it feel like a weight has been lifted- that was getting so crazy stressful. The two week wait is going to be nothing compared to this waiting to O crap (well, at least I hope so). It would be awesome if I did get pregnant this cycle, but at this point I will just have to wait and see.

If I don't I will probably go ahead a schedule the semen analysis we were supposed to do this month. I still think J is worrying too much about it, but at 36, I somewhat understand why he is concerned. But his reasons behind wanting one are asinine- simply because I didn't get pregnant the first try and because he hasn't gotten anyone else pregnant are not very good reasons. He always used a condom with his girlfriends, and i know his ex wife was on birth control. Apparently those things did their job- it doesn't make anything wrong with him. Silly boy. I think he is just so ready to have a baby, he wants it to happen now. And he says I am impatient!

Ugg

Why did I think having people over here for the evening was a good idea? Now were are attempting to clean this entire pigsty, and it is a pain in the ass. Sigh. Such is the penalty for wanting to be a good hostess. I wish I was cool with them coming over to my mess, but I'm just not. I blame my mother for that.

On a plus note though, my temps have taken a lovely upward trend. About freaking time.

Where did my husband go?

It's been almost 5 hours since he went to the car show. It's almsot 11 PM and he is out on his bike. And he left his phone at home. WTF assmonkey?

Am I finally there?

At long last? Maybe did I finally O on what should have been 10 dpo- I should have been trying to convince myself that testing so soon was fucktarded. But I did get to test today at least (thank you saveontests.com- I would have spent a bundle having to test for an extra 10 days this month!)- a have never been so happy to fail a test in my life. After yesterday's insane positive (the test line showed up before the control and was darker. I'm pretty sure that means we are ready for launch!) and the ovulation pains from hell, if I don't get a spike tomorrow, I am likely going to hurt someone.

Maybe my neighbor who thinks the sidewalk is his personal motorcycle driveway. Yep, he's first.

End of the craziness?

Could it be? Finally? I will be waiting with bated breath when I awake in the morn!


Quick update: The last test I was faking a positive because I wanted it to be one. These two really were positive! Yay- I think my ovaries have finally come off of their short vacation!

Maybe?

Why do I not feel like I have truly ovulated this cycle yet? Everything has been so screwed up that I don't believe what my chart it telling me. I find FF to be a big fat liar. We shall see.

Progress?

The lines are getting progressively darker again. Thanks to the BOTB girls that pointed out my delay and chart stupidity is most likely due to stress- which I have had plenty of. Hopefully the lines will continue to progress and we can get this show on the road.

On a completely unrelated note, J is passed out at the moment. Apparently a bunch of beer and numerous shots of varying alcohols kicked his ass! I have been having so much fun at his expense, as it is normally the other way around. Taking full advantage of mocking him while I can.

Well, fuck me running!

Did someone out there steal my ovulation? Did I freaking lose it somewhere? I realize I am not all that late at this point, but it is seriously getting old! Friday I had about a halfway dark line on my OPK- which was a progressive build up from the prior few days. Then suddenly, nothing. Not even the faintest hint of a line. I have clearly not ovulated yet, so who knows what the hell is going on.

It would be my luck though- the past few months everything has been pretty darn predictable. I figured with getting my cycle down and knowing what should be going on when before John got home would be great and might help our chances. And what happens the first month he's home- my cycle starts going to shit. Cute. Very cute. I am praying this is a one time deal and that I won't have to deal with this a bunch of times. Right now I think I would deal with a negative pregnancy test or getting my period a lot better than I am waiting for my stupid egg.

Oh the stress of actually being TTC. This is lovely- I am pretty sure I am going to lose my mind (or what little is left of it) extremely quickly!

At long last

John is out of the house for a while so I can play. Hooray! We were going to go on a poker run today, but I hurt so bad from our 5 1/2 hours of golf yesterday that there is no way I could sit on the back of a bike for 300 miles. Not gonna happen. Not sure if he's going to go without me, but I don't care if he does. I am actually looking forward to some alone time. I think he finally understood that yesterday when we had our little blowup at the golf course. He just kept pushing and pushing and I couldn't take it anymore. We got it talked out, but I thought he was seriously going to cry when I told him that I just wanted some alone time. He didn't hear "Please just leave me alone for an hour or so", he heard "I'm not happy you're home and you are in the way". Oh joy- that's the message I trying to convey- right.

Fortunately, the deployment helped us with our communication a lot. Prior to it, this would have turned into a huge multi day ordeal over a simple misunderstanding. Now its just a few minutes and learning to ask for clarification (since we mainly talked over IM, it's hard to tell someone's tone over that, so that happened a lot). Huge plus on that end.

Who the fuck are you?

OK, I knew there would be a bit of weirdness at first. But it is seriously weird. I feel like I have no idea who this man is that is in my home right now. After seeing how some of his friends have struggled with their returns, it terrifies me that he is going to have adjustment issues. Don't get me wrong, I am insanely happy that he is home and safe. But I have gotten so used to living without him that it is beyond odd that he is really here.

I know that over time it will get easier and we will fall into a routine and all will be great, but for now, it's just weird.

Why am I not ready yet?

DH will be home in 3 1/2 hours. I still have a bunch of crap to do and I feel like doing none of it. At this point, I no longer care- I just want him home. They have already taken off, so he is en route. Holy hell. He's really going to be home. Weird!

Holy crap

T-15 hours and counting! It's almost real!

Almost real

It's getting almost real at this point. While John and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years, there's a huge difference between dating and being married. We have been married for just over 19 months- we have actually been together for 7 1/2 of those. Most of our marriage has been apart.

Not that I was dependent on him before this deployment, but it has forced me to deal with things I didn't have to while I was still in school and could still somewhat rely on parents to bail me out on occasion. Not now- I just couldn't bring myself to do that. So instead I learned to do the stupid little things I had always dumped on mom. Plus dealing with loads of other things that came up over the past year (oh, do I have stories for upcoming blogs). Honestly, I should be heavily medicated considering the stress level I have been at since last summer.

How are things going to go when he is really, truly home? It seems weird to think that he will actually be back in this house on a regular basis again. It's almost frightening.